Steven Wright-isms

COMEDIAN STEVEN WRIGHT is known for his deadpan delivery and unique perspectives. Here is a sampler:

Always borrow money from pessimists. They don’t expect it back.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I bought some dehydrated water, but I don’t know what to add to it.

I got a dog and named him “Stay.” Now, I say “Come here, Stay!” After a while the dog went insane and wouldn’t move at all.

I spilled Spot Remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

The sign said eight items or less. So I changed my name to Les.

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.

I had my coat hangers spayed.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.

I went to a general store. They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically.

(Referring to a glass of water) I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don’t trust anybody!

The other day I… no wait, that wasn’t me.

I have the world’s largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world. Perhaps you’ve seen it.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.

My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, “Hey, the sign says you’re open 24-hours.” He said, “Yeah, but not in a row.”

After they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said the whole time.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for PERMANENT press? I don’t get it.

Some of My Favorite Yogi Berra Quotes

You should always go to other people’s funerals. Otherwise they won’t come to yours.

90 percent of the game is half mental.

I’m as red as a sheet.

A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore.

Nobody goes there anymore. It’s too crowded.

The future ain’t what it used to be.

If you come to a fork in the road, take it.

Pair up in threes.

You give 100 percent in the first half of the game, and if that isn’t enough in the second half you give what’s left.

90 percent of short putts don’t go in.

If people don’t want to come to the ball park, how are you going to stop them?

Paddy’s Sick Note

EVER HAVE “ONE OF THOSE DAYS”? This is the kind of story where it helps to “see” it in your imagination. Written by Pat Cooksey with video here by the Dubliners. Lyrics follow:

Dear Sir, I write this note to you to tell you of my plight
For at the time of writing I am not a pretty sight
My body is all black and blue, my face a deathly grey
And I write this note to say why Paddy’s not at work today.

Whilst working on the fourteenth floor, some bricks I had to clear
To throw them down from such a height was not a good idea
The foreman wasn’t very pleased, the bloody awkward sod
He said I had to cart them down the ladders in my hod.

Now clearing all these bricks by hand, it was so very slow
So I hoisted up a barrel and secured the rope below
But in my haste to do the job, I was too blind to see
That a barrel full of building bricks was heavier than me.

And so when I untied the rope, the barrel fell like lead
And clinging tightly to the rope I started up instead
I shot up like a rocket till to my dismay I found
That half way up I met the bloody barrel coming down.

Well the barrel broke my shoulder, as to the ground it sped
And when I reached the top I banged the pulley with my head
I clung on tightly, numb with shock, from this almighty blow
And the barrel spilled out half the bricks, fourteen floors below.

Now when these bricks had fallen from the barrel to the floor
I then outweighed the barrel and so started down once more
Still clinging tightly to the rope, my body racked with pain
When half way down, I met the bloody barrel once again.

The force of this collision, half way up the office block
Caused multiple abrasions and a nasty state of shock
Still clinging tightly to the rope I fell towards the ground
And I landed on the broken bricks the barrel scattered round.

I lay there groaning on the ground I thought I’d passed the worst
But the barrel hit the pulley wheel, and then the bottom burst
A shower of bricks rained down on me, I hadn’t got a hope
As I lay there bleeding on the ground, I let go the bloody rope.

The barrel then being heavier then started down once more
And landed right across me as I lay upon the floor
It broke three ribs, and my left arm, and I can only say
That I hope you’ll understand why Paddy’s not at work today.

Is Fido Really Talking? You Decide.

Sometimes You Just Feel Like Laughing

WE PARENTS WILL THROW our dignity out the window and make utter nuts of ourselves to get this result. If you’re a parent, just try to convince me you haven’t!

Freeze!!

The Perils of Communification

A COUPLE OF HUNTERS are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, and his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

“My friend is dead!” he gasps to the operator. “What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s really dead.” There is a silence—then a shot is heard.

“OK,” the guy says, “now what?”

A Face Only a Mother Could…

A WOMAN GETS ON A BUS with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!”

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” 

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off—go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

Epitaphs in Old Cemeteries

“Here lies
Ezekial Aikle
Age 102
The Good
Die Young.”

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

“Ann Mann
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.”

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

“Here lies the body
of Jonathan Blake
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.”

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

“Here lies Lester Moore
Four slugs from a .44
No Les No More.”

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

“I TOLD you I was sick!”

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

“Under the sod and under the trees
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there’s only the pod:
Pease shelled out and went to God.”

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

“Harry Edsel Smith
Born 1903–Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if
the car was on the way down. It was.”

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

“Here lies an atheist—
John Doe
All dressed up
And no place to go.”

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

“Here lies a man named Zeke.
Second fastest draw
in Cripple Creek.”

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

And finally….in a cemetery in England:

“Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I,
As I am now, so shall you be,
Remember this and follow me.”

To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:

“To follow you I’ll not consent,
Until I know which way you went.”

5 Best Things to Say When Caught Napping at Work

5. “They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen.”

4. “Just trying out that 15-minute power nap they raved about in the time management course you sent me to.”

3. “Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout again. You probably got here just in time.”

2. “Did you ever notice that odd sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?”

1. (While slowly raising your head): “…and thanks too for my awesome boss, Amen!”

What’s With Wristwatches?

OH, SURE, I KNOW WHAT THEY’RE used for. But what’s with 90 percent of them being sold as “Diver’s Watches”???

“Good to a depth of 500 feet.”

Big honking numbered depth dial around the watch face.

Just what percentage of people who buy watches ARE divers, anyway? And why do they exert such an outlandish influence over the watch industry? I mean, do you see Football Watches? Well-diggers’ Watches? Stockbrokers’ Watches?

Does the jewelry business have some secret info that nearly everybody alive has this overwhelming desire to be a diver? Or if not, is being a diver so cool that just having a diver’s dial on your watch gives you major status?

Maybe next time I’m in a long line waiting for a table at the Spaghetti Factory with my Sweetie, I’ll just flash my Diver’s Watch. I’m sure they’ll rush us to their best table and make the meals complements of the house.