OK, so…..

SO I’M A SOFT TOUCH FOR the kitties and puppies. This one gets my smiler working.

Pot o’ Gold, You Say?

The Tomato Garden

AN OLD ITALIAN lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love,
Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son::

Dear Pop,
Don’t dig up that garden.
That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son::

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.
That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
I love you,
Vinnie

Seeing-Eye Pilots

PASSENGERS ON A PLANE are waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilot uniforms. Both are wearing dark glasses. One is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start.

The passengers begin glancing nervously, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they’re headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport.

As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, screams of panic fill the cabin. But at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, “You know, Bob, one of these days, they’re going to scream too late, and we’re all gonna die.”

Simon’s Cat, Again: TV Dinner

BACK IN FEBRUARY, A POST introduced Simon’s Cat, in “Wake-Up Cat Call” (also titled “Cat-Man-Do”). Herewith, another video of Simon’s exasperating kitty.

Un-Be-Leevable!

AND THEY SAY that women take too long to dress!

Anybody Seen Ron?

RON WAS IN TROUBLE. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him, “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds! AND IT BETTER BE THERE!”

The next morning Ron got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window, and sure enough—there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back into the house. She opened it and found a brand-new bathroom scale.

Ron has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.

Wanna Feel Inferior? Ethan Here Can Help

HERE’S 6-YEAR-OLD ETHAN on the Tonight Show. So what great talents do YOU have?

You REALLY Think You’re Having a Bad Day?

APOLOGIES IF THIS MAKES you cringe. I promise not to put up any more “dirty” jokes! But if your day has “gone to pot,” remember that it could be far worse.

Bond. James Bond.

MY FAVORITE LATE-NIGHT SHOW host these days is Craig Ferguson. Somehow, I get more laughs per minute out of his humor than Leno’s, Letterman’s, or anybody else’s.

Here’s a clip of Ferguson doing his version of our mutually fellow Scotsman Sean Connery, doing an IHOP Super Bowl commercial—with plenty of out-takes.

Maybe, But Sometimes….

Busted! (x 2)

An Oldie But Goodie

ABBOTT AND COSTELLO do “Who’s on First?” A couple of minutes in, they get into the heart of their routine. Enjoy.

Frozen in Time…See It to Believe It

ON A COLD SATURDAY in New York City, the world’s largest train station came to a sudden halt. Over 200 Improv Everywhere Agents froze in place at the exact same second for five minutes in the Main Concourse of Grand Central Station. Over 500,000 people rush through Grand Central every day, but today, things slowed down just a bit as commuters and tourists alike stopped to notice what was happening around them.

Prophet Cat